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Parallel parenting: what it is and when it helps

Updated 14 October 2026 · About 7 minutes to read · England and Wales

Parallel parenting is a way of bringing up children after separation where both parents stay involved, but have as little direct contact with each other as possible. Each parent runs their own home in their own way, communication is kept short, written and only about the children, and the arrangements are set out in enough detail that there's little left to negotiate.

It's usually suggested when parents can't talk without arguing. The aim isn't to win or to shut the other parent out. It's to take the heat out of things so the children are no longer caught in the middle.

It isn't a legal term or a court order in England and Wales. It's simply a way of organising things, and it isn't right for every family, especially where there has been abuse.

What is parallel parenting?

The term is widely used in family-support literature, mostly from North America. Cleveland Clinic, for example, describes it as an arrangement where both parents stay involved but have little or no communication with each other, with any contact focused on the child and usually in writing. [1]

In practice, it often means:

• a detailed, written schedule that both of you follow;
• one written channel for messages about the children;
• handovers that need little or no face-to-face contact; and
• each parent making day-to-day decisions in their own home without consulting the other.

Parallel parenting vs co-parenting

In cooperative co-parenting, parents talk regularly, try to keep similar routines and rules in both homes, and may go to parents' evenings or birthday parties together. That's ideal where it works.

Parallel parenting accepts that, for now, it doesn't. Bedtimes, screen time and meals may differ between homes, and each parent accepts that. Contact is planned, brief and businesslike, so there are fewer chances for an argument.

Cafcass, which advises family courts in England, describes "harmful conflict" between parents as something that can cause children emotional harm, and that can build up over time. [2] Parallel parenting starts from a simple idea: if contact between the parents keeps leading to conflict, reducing that contact is one practical way to protect the children from it.

When can parallel parenting help?

It may help if:

• most conversations turn into arguments, especially at handovers;
• you both love the children and both want to be involved, but you can't agree on much else;
• messages drift from the children into the past relationship; or
• you've tried talking, or mediation, and things are still very tense.

If you haven't tried mediation, it may still be worth exploring. Our guide to mediation, MIAMs and the voucher scheme explains how it works.

When it isn't enough: abuse and safety

Where domestic abuse is raised in a child arrangements case, family courts in England and Wales must follow Practice Direction 12J, which requires the court to consider the safety of the child and the parent they live with before making any order about contact. [7]

If contact needs a safe, neutral place, child contact centres can help. The National Association of Child Contact Centres (NACCC) is a charity with member centres across the UK, and you can search for one on its website. [8] Ask the centre what type of service it offers and whether it is accredited, because services vary.

How to set up a parallel parenting plan

1. Write a detailed plan

The more detail, the fewer decisions you'll need to make together. Include the regular week, handover times and places, school holidays, Christmas and birthdays, who goes to which appointments, and how swaps are requested. Our parenting plan template covers each section. Cafcass's free online "Our Child's Plan" is another option. [11] If you can't agree a plan, a court can make a child arrangements order.

2. Use one written channel

Agree one place for all messages about the children, and keep to it. Writing gives each of you time to think, and a clear record of what was agreed. Keep messages short and factual. For example:

"Maya has a dentist appointment on Tuesday 21st at 4pm. I'll take her. I'll send you anything the dentist says."

3. Make handovers low-contact

Handovers are often where things flare up. Options include one parent dropping off at school or nursery and the other collecting at the end of the day, or a brief handover in a neutral public place. Our guide to school holidays and handovers has more ideas.

4. Agree how you'll handle changes

Set a notice period for swap requests, for example seven days except in emergencies, and a deadline for replies. Agree that if there's no reply, the plan stays as it is.

What can you decide on your own?

If you both have parental responsibility, you each have legal rights and duties for your child. GOV.UK explains that routine decisions don't need the other parent's consent, but some major decisions do: for example, everyone with parental responsibility must agree in writing before a child moves abroad. [4] To change a child's name by enrolled deed poll, you need the agreement of everyone with parental responsibility or a court order. [5]

For other big decisions, such as choosing a school or significant medical treatment, it's wise to consult the other parent in writing and try to agree. If you can't, either of you can ask a court to decide through a specific issue order. [4]

Usually your call in your home: meals, bedtimes, homework routine, screen time, everyday activities.

Usually needs agreement or a court order: moving abroad, changing the child's name. Best agreed if you can: school choice, major medical decisions.

Getting information directly

Parallel parenting works better when you don't depend on each other for information. Department for Education guidance says schools in England must treat all parents equally unless a court order limits this, and that parents with parental responsibility can receive information such as school reports. [6] Ask the school to add you to its contact list. GP practices have their own policies on sharing information with parents, so ask your child's practice how it works.

The rules differ in Scotland and Northern Ireland. See mygov.scot or nidirect.

Keeping the children out of it

Cafcass advises never asking a child to pass messages to their other parent. [3] It's also kinder not to ask them to report on life in the other home. A few habits help:

• Don't criticise the other parent in front of the children. Cafcass makes the same point in its advice on coping with children's reactions to separation. [12]
• Let them enjoy their time in the other home without guilt.
• Keep adult worries, including money and the court case, away from them.
• Accept that the other home will do things differently.

Moving back towards cooperation

For many families, parallel parenting is a stage rather than forever. Once things have been calm for a while, you might try small steps: a short phone call about a school issue, or both attending a school play. Cafcass describes working towards "co-operative parenting" as an aim where conflict can be reduced. [2] Only do this if it's safe, and go back to the more structured approach if things flare up again.

Where to get help

Our free UK help directory lists helplines, advice services and support for separated parents.

Sources

1. Cleveland Clinic, Parallel parenting: health.clevelandclinic.org
2. Cafcass, Harmful conflict: cafcass.gov.uk
3. Cafcass, Communicating with your child's other parent after a separation: cafcass.gov.uk
4. GOV.UK, Parental rights and responsibilities: gov.uk
5. GOV.UK, Change your name by deed poll: change a child's name: gov.uk
6. Department for Education, Understanding and dealing with issues relating to parental responsibility: gov.uk
7. Ministry of Justice, Family Procedure Rules Practice Direction 12J: justice.gov.uk
8. National Association of Child Contact Centres: naccc.org.uk
9. National Domestic Abuse Helpline (Refuge): nationaldahelpline.org.uk
10. Men's Advice Line (Respect): mensadviceline.org.uk
11. Cafcass, Help in Planning Together for Children (including Our Child's Plan): cafcass.gov.uk
12. Cafcass, Coping with your child's reactions: cafcass.gov.uk

All sources checked on 12 October 2026.