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Co-parenting communication tips: how to keep messages calm and clear

Updated 14 October 2026 · About 7 minutes to read · UK

The short answer: treat messages with your ex like messages with a colleague you need to work with. Keep them brief, factual and about the children. Use one agreed channel, stick to one topic per message, and don't reply when you're angry. If you receive a hostile message, answer only the practical part, politely, and leave the rest.

You can't control how your co-parent writes, but you can control what you send back. Over time, calm and predictable replies usually make conflict harder to sustain. This guide covers practical habits, the BIFF method for difficult messages, and what to do when talking just isn't safe.

What Cafcass advises

Cafcass, the service that represents children in family courts in England, has a page on communicating with your child's other parent. It suggests: [1]

• trying not to blame yourself or the other parent, and not letting your own feelings take over discussions about your child;
• keeping communication positive, or at least neutral, which can reduce conflict and its impact on your child;
• agreeing ground rules together, including for handovers;
• stopping a conversation that's going badly and picking it up another time; and
• not using your child to pass messages.

How do you communicate with an ex about the children?

Keep it business-like. Polite, factual, no sarcasm, no history. "Mia's parents' evening is Tuesday 3 November at 5.40pm" does the job. You don't need to share how you feel about the relationship.

One channel, one topic. Agree one place for everything about the children, rather than texts, WhatsApp, email and social media all at once. Put one subject in each message, so it's easy to find and answer. If your co-parent won't use the app or channel you'd prefer, see my ex won't use a co-parenting app.

Agree response times. For example: routine questions answered within 24 to 48 hours, and anything urgent by phone call. If you need time, say so: "Let me check my shifts and I'll reply by Thursday."

Be specific. Dates, times, places and amounts. Ask clear questions with a reasonable deadline.

Confirm in writing. When something's agreed, write a one-line summary. It saves "that's not what we said" later. Our guide to keeping a record of co-parenting communication has more on this.

Use the "anyone could read this" test. Before sending, ask whether you'd be comfortable if a mediator, a judge or your children, when grown up, read it.

What is a BIFF response?

BIFF is a method for replying to hostile or blaming messages, developed by Bill Eddy of the High Conflict Institute. The letters stand for Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm. [2] In summary:

• Brief: keep it short, so there's less to react to.
• Informative: give useful facts only, without opinions, defending yourself or emotion.
• Friendly: a short, warm opening or closing to lower the temperature.
• Firm: close the topic or set a clear, kind limit, without inviting more argument.

BIFF is a registered trade mark of the High Conflict Institute, which has more detail, training and books on its website. [2]

BIFF response examples

These examples are our own, written to show the idea.

Notice what's missing: no defending, no "always" or "never", no reply to the insult. The firm part is a clear plan or question, and then the message ends.

What to avoid

• Using children as messengers. "Tell your dad he's late with the money" puts a child in the middle. Cafcass specifically advises against it. [1]
• Social media. Don't post about your ex, your case or the arrangements, and don't use public comments or stories to make a point.
• Replying when angry. Draft it, wait, and read it again later. Most messages don't need an instant answer.
• Bringing up the past. Stick to the decision in front of you.
• Long late-night messages. Agree quiet hours unless it's urgent.
• Labelling the other parent. Describe behaviour and facts, not their personality.

Handovers

Handovers aren't the time for difficult conversations. Sort logistics in writing beforehand, keep the handover short and friendly, and pass on important information (medicine given, a bump at football) by message rather than in front of the children. If doorstep handovers keep going wrong, a neutral place such as school or a public spot can help.

Agree some ground rules

Cafcass's "Our Child's Plan", which replaced its parenting plan, can include how you'll communicate as well as living arrangements, school and health. [3] A communication section might cover: which channel you'll use, reasonable times to message, how fast you'll each reply, what counts as urgent, and that neither of you will pass messages through the children. Our parenting plan template has a ready-made communication section.

When communication is unsafe or impossible

Sometimes calm communication isn't possible, however hard you try. If conflict stays high, parallel parenting keeps contact to the bare minimum, in writing, with each parent running their own home.

If you're afraid of your co-parent, or there has been domestic abuse, your safety comes first, and joint communication approaches or mediation may not be suitable. Specialist services can help you plan:

• National Domestic Abuse Helpline (Refuge): 0808 2000 247, free, 24 hours a day. [4]
• Men's Advice Line (Respect): 0808 801 0327, Monday to Friday 10am to 5pm. [5]
• In an emergency, call 999.

Child contact centres offer safe, neutral places for children to spend time with a parent they don't live with. The National Association of Child Contact Centres has a search tool to find one near you. [6]

Where to get support

• Coram Family Lives (formerly Family Lives) runs a free, confidential parenting helpline on 0808 800 2222, Monday to Friday 9am to 9pm and weekends 10am to 3pm. In Scotland, it points callers to Children First. [7]
• Relate offers counselling for co-parents, including one-off sessions you can attend alone or with your co-parent. [8]
• Mediation can help you agree arrangements and communicate better. In England and Wales, the mediation voucher scheme can contribute up to £500 in eligible cases. [9] See our guide to mediation, MIAMs and the voucher scheme.
• Free online courses: OnePlusOne's "Getting it right for children" course for separated parents is free in many council areas in England and Wales. It isn't suitable where domestic abuse has been identified. [10]
• Your local council: the Department for Work and Pensions funds the Reducing Parental Conflict programme, which councils in England use to offer relationship support to parents. Ask your council's family or early help service what's available locally. [11]

Sources

1. Cafcass, Communicating with your child's other parent during separation: cafcass.gov.uk
2. High Conflict Institute, The BIFF Method: Respond to Hostile Messages: highconflictinstitute.com
3. Cafcass, How an 'Our Child's Plan' (formerly 'Parenting Plan') can help: cafcass.gov.uk
4. National Domestic Abuse Helpline (Refuge): nationaldahelpline.org.uk
5. Men's Advice Line (Respect): mensadviceline.org.uk
6. National Association of Child Contact Centres: naccc.org.uk
7. Coram Family Lives, Confidential helpline: coramfamilylives.org.uk
8. Relate, Learning to co-parent: relate.org.uk
9. Gov.uk, Making child arrangements if you divorce or separate: gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce
10. OnePlusOne, Online relationship support for parents (England): oneplusone.org.uk
11. Gov.uk, Reducing Parental Conflict programme: DWP funded activity in local areas: gov.uk

All sources checked on 12 October 2026.