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Co-parenting with a difficult ex: staying calm, focused and safe

Updated 14 October 2026 · About 8 minutes to read · England and Wales

Co-parenting with someone who is hostile, unpredictable or always looking for an argument is exhausting. You can't change how they behave. What you can do is reduce the chances for conflict, keep communication short and in writing, keep a calm record, and keep your children out of the middle.

But first, it's important to ask whether this is "difficult" or whether it's abuse. The answer changes what you should do next.

Is it conflict or abuse?

If domestic abuse is raised in a child arrangements case, courts in England and Wales must follow Practice Direction 12J, which focuses on the safety of the child and the parent they live with. [8] Specialist services can help you think through what is safe before you agree to anything.

A word about labels

Many people search for help with "co-parenting with a narcissist". That's understandable when someone's behaviour feels manipulative or relentless. This guide focuses on behaviour, not labels, because only a qualified professional can diagnose a personality disorder. Describing what actually happened ("he changed the pick-up time three times this week") is also far more useful to a mediator, solicitor or court than a label.

Focus on what you can control

You can't control their messages, moods or choices. You can control:

• how and when you reply;
• which channel you use;
• your own boundaries; and
• what your children hear from you.

Set clear boundaries. For example: "I'll only discuss arrangements for the children, in writing, and I'll reply within 24 hours on weekdays." Then stick to it, without announcing it every time.

Keep it written. Phone calls and doorstep conversations can escalate quickly and leave no record. One written channel gives you time to think before replying.

Don't take the bait. Accusations, sarcasm and old grievances don't need an answer. Reply only to the part that's about the children.

How do I reply to hostile messages?

Many parents find the BIFF method useful. Created by Bill Eddy of the High Conflict Institute, BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm. [9] Here's an example.

Their message: "Typical of you to book a holiday without asking. You never think about anyone but yourself. Ella's not going."

A BIFF reply: "Thanks for your message. The trip is 2 to 6 August, which falls in my weeks under our plan. I'll send the address and flight times by Friday. Ella can call you each evening at 6pm."

Notice what it leaves out: no defending yourself, no counter-accusations. Our guide to co-parenting communication tips has more examples.

Keep a factual record

Note what actually happened, when, and what was said: late or missed handovers, changes to arrangements, injuries or illness, and costs. Keep entries short and factual, not emotional. Our guides to keeping a factual record and WhatsApp messages as evidence explain how. What weight any record is given is always for the court to decide.

Make the arrangements detailed

Vague arrangements give a difficult ex more to argue about. Spell out days, times, handover places, holidays and how swaps are requested. A written parenting plan may be enough. If not, a court can make a child arrangements order.

Handovers are often the flashpoint. Handing over at school or nursery, where one parent drops off and the other collects, can mean you don't meet at all. Child contact centres offer a neutral place; the National Association of Child Contact Centres can help you find one. [10] If conflict is very high, a parallel parenting approach may help.

Supporting your children

Cafcass explains that ongoing conflict between parents can cause children emotional harm, and that the harm can build up over time. [11] You can't control the other home, but you can make yours calm and predictable.

• Never ask your children to carry messages or report back.
• Don't criticise their other parent in front of them, even if they do.
• Let them love both parents without feeling guilty.
• Listen when they want to talk, without pushing.

Children and young people under 19 can talk to Childline, run by the NSPCC, free on 0800 1111, 24 hours a day. [12]

Looking after yourself

Dealing with constant conflict is draining, and it's not a sign of weakness to need support.

• Talk to your GP about how you're feeling.
• In England, you can refer yourself to NHS talking therapies for anxiety, low mood and depression if you're registered with a GP. [13]
• Samaritans are free to call on 116 123, 24 hours a day. [14]
• Our free help directory lists other support for separated parents.

Getting legal help

Legal aid for family cases is limited, but GOV.UK explains you may be able to get it if you have evidence of domestic abuse against you or your children and can't afford legal costs. Evidence can come from sources such as the police, a court, a health professional or a support service. [15]

Women in England and Wales can get family law advice from Rights of Women's advice lines. Check its website for the numbers and current opening hours. [16]

In Scotland and Northern Ireland the law and legal aid rules differ. See mygov.scot or nidirect.

Sources

1. Domestic Abuse Act 2021, section 1: legislation.gov.uk
2. Serious Crime Act 2015, section 76: legislation.gov.uk
3. National Domestic Abuse Helpline (Refuge): nationaldahelpline.org.uk
4. Men's Advice Line (Respect): mensadviceline.org.uk
5. Galop, LGBT+ anti-abuse charity: galop.org.uk
6. Respect Phoneline: respectphoneline.org.uk
7. Independent Office for Police Conduct, Make Yourself Heard: understanding the Silent Solution: policeconduct.gov.uk
8. Ministry of Justice, Family Procedure Rules Practice Direction 12J: justice.gov.uk
9. High Conflict Institute, BIFF responses: highconflictinstitute.com
10. National Association of Child Contact Centres: naccc.org.uk
11. Cafcass, Harmful conflict: cafcass.gov.uk
12. NSPCC, Childline: nspcc.org.uk
13. NHS, Talking therapies: nhs.uk
14. Samaritans, Contact a Samaritan: samaritans.org
15. GOV.UK, Legal aid: domestic abuse: gov.uk
16. Rights of Women, Family law advice: rightsofwomen.org.uk

All sources checked on 12 October 2026.